Or that the guy who disappears for a week is secretly in love with you. Is it not clear that in waiting for a man who needs a once-a-week partner to change his mind, you could lose years of your life?This delusion is so commonplace that a book like “He’s Just Not that Into You” was seen as revelatory, when to men it could have been subtitled, “Duh.” Put another way: if you let go of an apple from chin height, you’d expect it to drop, wouldn’t you? Because every time you’ve ever let go of an apple, it hit the floor. Finally, is it not clear that there is only one answer to “How Do I Get Him Back? You don’t get him back because you never had him to begin with.My perspective on this topic has developed over the past 20 years of working with individuals and couples and noticing how these dynamics emerge.Ambivalence occurs in intimate relationships when there is a coexistence of opposing emotions and desires towards the other person that creates an uncertainty about being in the relationship.Recently, I conducted a 30-minute relationship health assessment session with a coaching client.This man is stuck in a dysfunctional, high-conflict, unsupportive marriage that isn’t meeting his needs or his partner’s.If my desire to say “no” interferes with my “yes,” it will be said with hesitation and doubt, and a lingering uneasy feeling that causes me to hold back; I am unable to fully commit to that “yes.” So not only does the opposite polarity define my experience but the degree to which I have integrated it into my consciousness will also affect my experience.
Every time we say “yes” there is a “no” in the background informing our choice.It was at first a very passionate affair, but as soon as we moved in together and got engaged I had what everyone assumed was a typical case of “cold feet.” Trouble is, it didn’t go away, it nagged at me and it got stronger to the point where I felt I couldn’t ignore it anymore.My ambivalence usually went like this: I’d meet someone, clearly see red flags right away (I’m very good at detecting red flags), push the guy away, and once I pushed, he generally liked me even more, so he would insist we were meant to be together. Once the initial chemistry of love wore off, I was faced with what I believed was the real nitty gritty of the relationship (the unglamorous living day to day stuff), something I couldn’t handle no matter how great the guy. ) that the man I was becoming more and more attached to is an “ambivalent” man, a commitmentphobe, a “runner.” I’m heartbroken, of course.My question, even after “How Do I Get Him Back”: would he or could he ever change, even with all your relationship assistance and my best efforts? In that time, I’ve had nearly 1000 private clients who have engaged
A decent percentage of them (10-15%) started working with me while they were already dating men. Not ONE woman who has EVER come to me with a “man she’s seeing” ended up marrying him.